About Julie
I received both my Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees in Communication with concentrations in Interpersonal and Family Communication. I have produced and presented research for the National Communication Association (NCA), taught Communication courses at the collegiate level, as well as worked with other leading Family Communication authors in the field.
Beyond my formal education, my own studies and education are ongoing within a university and worldly setting.
My interest in Family Communication started when I was 11 years old. I was part of a dysfunctional family system that even at such a young age made no sense to me. Even then, I knew deep down there had to be another, better way. A way where I felt safe.
And 11-year old me was right.
If you are having similar thoughts, know that you are right, too.
On the surface, my family looked like that perfect family holiday card; and we even believed we were, that there were no major issues. I always knew something was “off.” I tended to blame it on the fact that my parents divorced when I was 13 and although that brought pain and sadness to me, in the end, it was only a blip of discomfort and grief. The deeper issues were invisible, within the words and communication styles of my family-of-origin. After educating myself more, I realized I grew up amongst a great deal of chaos – emotional manipulation, verbal and physical abuse, messages of subservience, constant gaslighting, pressure to be perfect, toxic competition, daily threats, religious trauma, motivational shaming, and triangulation. (I want to relay empathy to those participating in these types of behaviors. People only participate in dynamics such as these because they didn’t receive the safety they deserved in their younger years, either. It doesn’t make it ok, but it does deserve to be acknowledged).
When you grow up in such a toxic family system, there can sometimes be a deep and desperate yearning to start from scratch. I became obsessed with finding a partner to start my own family with. Although the obsession was a bit unhealthy, I look back and think how beautiful this yearning was because what I was actually looking for was a safe environment. Somewhere deep inside of me, I knew that finding healthy love, safety, and community was important for me and for my body. But, I was coming from a desperate, uninformed place where I didn’t know how to do it and ended up finding myself in romantic partnerships that resembled the cycles within my family-of-origin. I felt so unseen and unheard that the stress from these romantic partnerships resulted in physical health issues for myself. I really put myself out there when I decided to put my engagement with my college sweetheart on a big break where I asked him to not speak to me for over a month so I could take the time and space to reflect on why I was so anxious around him all the time. The engagement ultimately ended.
I took the time to heal in therapy and realized I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. While I woke up to how he was emotionally abusive he was to me, it took further deep reflection to realize that I was also emotionally abusive to him. It’s not an excuse for the hurt I’ve caused, but I truly didn’t know better. I just thought the way we talked and related to each other was “normal.”
After healing from that relationship and healing myself where I was less prone to abuse myself, I became curious about what a healthy romantic partnership really looked like — How did it work? How did you “know” when someone was for you? And once that decision was made, how could you make sure you didn’t mess up your kids? How could you prevent family cycles from repeating over and over again?
Thus, began my studies of romantic partnership
Eventually, I met my now life partner. After we got married, I had what most people would categorize as a “mental breakdown” but was truly a healing “emotional breakthrough.”
Because I was finally in a safe space, my mind and body allowed me to admit the invisible things out loud – Why was I in emotionally abusive romantic partnerships to begin with? Why do I feel so weird around my mom? Why was I so scared of my siblings? Something had to be wrong with me for feeling that way, right!? Wasn’t how my grandparents, aunts, and uncles, and cousins, and parents interacted with each other and with me “normal”? Wasn’t it “loving”!? Aren’t we just a “big happy family”?
Why do I feel so awful then? Why can’t I say anything and not get attacked? Why did I participate in harmful patterns with them? Did I cause hurt to others similar to the ways that I am hurting? Am I really being myself, or am I faking it with them all the time? Was it really that bad?
Yes, it was that bad.
If you are having similar questions rolling around your own head, even if your family system doesn’t sound “as bad” as mine, but you are still in pain over this, then it was and maybe still is that bad for you, too.
“That bad” can mean different things to different people, none are “less bad” or “more bad” than another.
If there is invisible pain playing out right now, then it deserves to be validated.
After a year and a half of lost nights of sleep/depression/anxiety/physical pain/forgiving myself and processing the grief over my family system with the support of a therapist and coach, I started feeling better. But even better, I started feeling free.
And happy. And light.
I enrolled myself in classes at the University of Pittsburgh in their departments of Communication & Rhetoric, Developmental Psychology, Family Systems, and Sociology.
Thus, began my studies in family systems.
While these studies have helped me and those I’ve worked with, it is my past experiences and daily attempts to put what I learn and teach into practice in my own family life and “walking-my-talk” that has been the greatest education of them all. I’m happy to share more of that in sessions anytime someone needs reassurance.
Now, I am married and in a partnership of my dreams – we are both very dedicated to creating safety in our relationships — both together and separately.
We attempt to raise our children and run our family as consciously as we can within the realities of life – where the #1 priority between all of us is everyone’s well-being. No one is better or above or less than anyone else, the parents and the children are all of equal importance within healthy boundaries that are regularly discussed and adjusted as life happens.
We are NOT perfect. There are deep issues inside all of us, but we talk about them. They are all out in the open because we know hiding them hurts us all even more. We feel these realities and we come together over them; we create safety for vulnerability and when this safety is fractured (which inevitably happens as we are all humans), we repair on the deep, true levels, not just the surface-level ones.
That old saying of “It’s never about the dishes!” – it NEVER is! There is always more symbolic and deeper things festering inside of us that need the acknowledgment. Acknowledging these feelings, paired with aligned words, actions, and other forms of communication can set us all free. Truly OWNING imperfection can be the most loving communication of them all.
There are tough moments, but I will say… after all of the family trauma I have been through, it’s been 8 years and I truly have the family of my dreams where I feel safe and happy now. But it takes A LOT of honesty with myself, finding language, and communication education to get there. Now, I am SO passionate about helping others do the same.